Jitters

The first day of class has come and pass in a refreshing fashion. I honestly did not know what to expect from a real school that costs more money to attend in one year than my previous five combined at community college. The thought of sheer failure after all was said and spent has literally stressed me for weeks. I have been so shaken by the idea of it that I haven’t been able to even attempt to write anything since the thoughts of doom and gloom began taking over my uncontrollable mind. Darkness swept in and swallowed my entire existence for weeks. I’m talking about a pure darkness... not the muted gray that defines me on a weekly, if not daily, basis. But something changed when I arose the morning after my 26th birthday.

It was a brisk day yesterday... my last day of life as I’ve known it for some time now. It had been roughly three years since I had a “last day of summer vacation” but this one felt no different than any other back to school experience I’ve ever known. The cool and calming day was followed by a chilly, autumn-esque night. I cracked open a window before bed for the first time since I moved into my new home 5 months ago. A slight breeze whisked into the room and soothed my nerves as I lay starring at the ceiling, stirring in uncertainty not knowing what the first day of the next few years of my life would bring me when I awoke the next morning. A deep breath and a good laugh at a Family Guy re-run cleared my mind of worry and I drifted into a land of strange dreams.

The morning brought pure coldness to my bones. A sort of cruel, self-inflicted obstacle to hurdle upon reluctantly pulling back the covers at 6 AM on a Monday morning... OK, so it was a Tuesday morning. I was off on Monday so Tuesday sure as shit felt like a Monday to me. Typical weekday morning until I decided to grab a jacket before I left the house. For some reason, the simple act of reaching for a light jacket brought joy to my soul. As I turned from locking the door behind me and began walking to my truck, that old familiar smell of Fall found it’s way my way sending a chill down my spine. It was the most refreshed I had felt in years.

When you work the same time, every day, every week, every month... there is no separation. Life becomes more of a mono-toned existence. Throw in the pure repetition that comes with being locked behind a desk in an office and an insurmountable feeling of insanity will soon begin to battle your mental stability. Once that comes to a boil, toss in your reoccurring fear of failure and your tally of debt that is roughly 150 times your net worth, sprinkle in the possibility that you may lose your job in the coming months (if not weeks) and you may start to understand why I began to spiral back down the dark road of self-loathing bitterness wrapped in a blanket of self-pity.

I can’t express my gratitude for the way the last 36 hours have played out and the importance of their timing. The lost familiarity that comes with the “First day of school” and the subsequent feelings it brought really revived my motivation and has given me a new found sense of hope and confidence as I steer my way into deeper waters. I felt good about being in class once I found my way there after another dismal day at work. I even began to feel at ease about my worries of not finding work after graduation just an hour into my journey. I realize now that if I can just commit myself to something I know is meant for me, the universe will light the way.