Saturday, September 12, 2009

In Remembrance...

It is September 12. The day after the 8th anniversary of the demonstration of pure evil that flows through the reality of the world the way electricity flows through a circuit board. I spent a good bit of my day yesterday dwelling upon that day 8 years ago as the rain fell upon me with chilly september showers. I had hoped to actually get more out of the experience I sought, but it was disrupted and distracted by the induction of my life long hero into the National Basketball Hall of Fame and the countless beers I drank from the end of the work week until the end of my stream of consciousness. Regardless, I need to express the thoughts I was able to gather in an attempt to remember those who were lost or those who lost someone.


Much theory and speculation has surfaced in the explanation of 9/11. I have heard numerous accounts of scientific theory, conspiracy claims, conspiracy debunking, “official” statements... none of which seem to connect any sort of explanation. While we may never know what actually happened or how or why, we do have some concrete, indisputable facts that come from the result of the horrifying event that took place. Make no mistake about it, we are a different nation in all aspects of what we once were.


One fact that seems to go unnoticed in the lead up to the attacks was the fact that government agencies knew these terrorists were plotting on our soil. They knew they were being directed by an extremist organization in Yemen. They had all the information they needed to stop the attacks before the terrorists even walked through the doors of those airports that September morning. “It’s not my job responsibility” bounced off the walls of the agencies who exist solely to protect the American People. Somehow, the documentation made it’s way to the hands of the newly elected president one day as he was shooting for par on a presidential golf course. He paid no mind to the folder passed onto him as it may have interfered with his vacation plans. Who knows... maybe he did pay mind to it but decided to let it play out and let the agencies “handle it.” I’m not here to determine that.


From the moment the second plane hit the South Tower, America would forever be changed. The shock, the fear, the hurt, the anger... it took hold of us all. Our hearts began to beat harder. We felt pain and resentment. The confusion of the happenings disrupted our thoughts and that roller coaster of emotion took us on a ride we would never forget. In this crisis, political governance found a window left open and they sure as shit took advantage of the opportunity. Through the manipulation of our anger, fear, and resentment, the Bush administration was able to coax us into going along with whatever they deemed connected with the newly anointed “War on Terror,” sparking a seemingly endless crusade that has claimed hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of lives.


Since the declaration of the “War on Terror,” we have been forced to sacrifice our freedom for security, thus rendering the rebuilding of the “Freedom Tower” quite the hypocrisy. The direct results of failed cooperation of government agencies led to the passing of the Patriot Act and the subsequent wiretapping of the American public... illegal wiretapping as we have come to learn years later. Other direct results that came from the “War on Terror” were the expansion of executive powers, the insurmountable funding for homeland security, and an eternal justification of war with any nation we cite as terrorist sympathizers.


The eternal war is what gets me. We have invaded countries for no more than political indifference but it has been spun to the citizens at home as a protection of our freedoms. Sadam Hussein threatened us no more than he ever had and he had no ties to al Queda. They found no weapons of mass destruction when they knew damn well up front that they weren’t going to find any. So we invaded Iraq for political indifference and perhaps for reasons unknown to the common man not inside the oil business or the war racketeering business. Then we have Afghanistan, which we were told we invaded because of the Taliban and because there may or may not be an al Queda strong hold. We have threatened Pakistan, Yemen, Somalia, and Iran... I’m sure that if France had terrorists residing in their country and we disagreed with their political structure, we would threaten them as well. This is not a Christian Crusade on Muslims. This is a racket of war. Endless war with an endless budget that is handed out through no bid contracts to businesses who are politically connected (think Halliburton and Cheney). Meanwhile, the declaration of war on an extremist idea has only further fueled the enemy’s cause through the continuous occupation and destruction of their land and the unfortunate civilian casualties.


The endless budget has caught up to us as we sink deeper and deeper into a quicksand of debt. On top of the ceaseless printing of currency to help fund these wars (while devaluing the currency at the same time), our brilliant former president spoke to the people of this torn country after the attacks and told them to “shop” and help contribute to the rebuilding of morale. Never in the history of this nation were we told to spend in such irresponsible fashion during time of war. Over the course of the last 8 years, we have lived well beyond our means and we were not only provided the opportunity to do so, we were encouraged. The end result is evident every where you look these days as the recession has painted a grim picture on the overlay of this once great nation.


We have been played like a violin in the aftermath of the attacks 8 years ago. Our emotion and feelings were taken advantage of and with the short attention spans that seem to encompass the majority of American citizens, we have not paid much mind to it much like our commander in chief paid no mind to the important information that was placed between his palm and the handle of his golf club. Our new president has taken a lot of flack over the course of the last week for speaking out to the school children across the country about responsibility. How dare he demand responsibility! Has nobody told him, that is not what we do here in America... not anymore at least. Perhaps had the highest regarded man in the country spoke out about responsibility 8 years ago, we would not be in such bad shape as we are today. Instead, we allowed everything we stood for to burn in the fires and collapse with the towers.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Uncertainty

Uncertain about the leap into uncertainty.

Uncertain of where the road will lead.

Uncertain of where the money will come from.

Uncertain of how long the journey will take.

Uncertain if the journey will end.

Uncertain if the end goal is indeed the end.

Uncertain if the end justifies the means of expense.

Uncertain if one is capable of the overload of work on top of work.

Uncertain of one’s self-confidence being hampered by fear.

Uncertain if one is ready to embrace the leap into uncertainty.

Uncertainty.

Life is uncertain.

Embrace it and leap.

Progression demands it of you.

Jitters

The first day of class has come and pass in a refreshing fashion. I honestly did not know what to expect from a real school that costs more money to attend in one year than my previous five combined at community college. The thought of sheer failure after all was said and spent has literally stressed me for weeks. I have been so shaken by the idea of it that I haven’t been able to even attempt to write anything since the thoughts of doom and gloom began taking over my uncontrollable mind. Darkness swept in and swallowed my entire existence for weeks. I’m talking about a pure darkness... not the muted gray that defines me on a weekly, if not daily, basis. But something changed when I arose the morning after my 26th birthday.


It was a brisk day yesterday... my last day of life as I’ve known it for some time now. It had been roughly three years since I had a “last day of summer vacation” but this one felt no different than any other back to school experience I’ve ever known. The cool and calming day was followed by a chilly, autumn-esque night. I cracked open a window before bed for the first time since I moved into my new home 5 months ago. A slight breeze whisked into the room and soothed my nerves as I lay starring at the ceiling, stirring in uncertainty not knowing what the first day of the next few years of my life would bring me when I awoke the next morning. A deep breath and a good laugh at a Family Guy re-run cleared my mind of worry and I drifted into a land of strange dreams.


The morning brought pure coldness to my bones. A sort of cruel, self-inflicted obstacle to hurdle upon reluctantly pulling back the covers at 6 AM on a Monday morning... OK, so it was a Tuesday morning. I was off on Monday so Tuesday sure as shit felt like a Monday to me. Typical weekday morning until I decided to grab a jacket before I left the house. For some reason, the simple act of reaching for a light jacket brought joy to my soul. As I turned from locking the door behind me and began walking to my truck, that old familiar smell of Fall found it’s way my way sending a chill down my spine. It was the most refreshed I had felt in years.


When you work the same time, every day, every week, every month... there is no separation. Life becomes more of a mono-toned existence. Throw in the pure repetition that comes with being locked behind a desk in an office and an insurmountable feeling of insanity will soon begin to battle your mental stability. Once that comes to a boil, toss in your reoccurring fear of failure and your tally of debt that is roughly 150 times your net worth, sprinkle in the possibility that you may lose your job in the coming months (if not weeks) and you may start to understand why I began to spiral back down the dark road of self-loathing bitterness wrapped in a blanket of self-pity.


I can’t express my gratitude for the way the last 36 hours have played out and the importance of their timing. The lost familiarity that comes with the “First day of school” and the subsequent feelings it brought really revived my motivation and has given me a new found sense of hope and confidence as I steer my way into deeper waters. I felt good about being in class once I found my way there after another dismal day at work. I even began to feel at ease about my worries of not finding work after graduation just an hour into my journey. I realize now that if I can just commit myself to something I know is meant for me, the universe will light the way.